We’ll Need a New Chandelier (and footman)

designer lighting MelbourneOh dear, one of the attendants has quit in an overly dramatic fashion again. Poor fellow said something about everything being too much, jumped off the top banister, swung off the chandelier and very much tried to- and I can only be partially sure- jump through the circular piece of stained glass that adorns the place over our front entrance. Instead, the chandelier snapped and took him down with it.

To take a long tale and compress it down to the essentials, we’re in need of some new lighting. Such a pain how the entire entrance hall is now cordoned off until the floor is fixed and all the crystals are gathered.

Perhaps I’ll leave the replacement process to Cecelia. She knows designer lighting companies in Melbourne quite well from all those magazines, and also her friendship with that Ingrid Chantelia woman. I’m vaguely aware that she owns and produces some sort of home design program that people seem to quite like. Not really my thing, both that sort of television and the issue of Miss Chantelias being new money, but Cecelia doesn’t seem to mind.

Oh, and I think I own some company somewhere that deals in LED lighting in some capacity. I try to keep up with all of my acquisitions, but they’ve grown so numerous, and I rely far too much on electronic means. I’ll have a look through my records and see if we can’t fix our current problem using some business connections. That method hasn’t failed me yet; that much is at least certain. Is Melbourne’s commercial LED lighting sector something to consider purchasing? A question for later. In the meantime, we need our entrance hall cleaned up as soon as possible. And I’ll have to call the agency, since it’s become abundantly clear that we need a new footman. One made of sterner stuff this time!

-Percival Clancey IV

I Must Impart My Knowledge

large conference centreFather has gone to a conference, presumably one where he teaches people less intelligent than he how to conduct proper business. I’m not too surprised, obviously. There’s much to learn from someone like Father, to the point where it’s a wonder anyone else has any business sense at all. I hope to one day be just like him.

I told Mother I should very much like to accompany Father on his business endeavor, but she said that Victoria’s conference centres were places for adults, where things would be discussed far above my ken. A rather silly notion, in my opinion. Though I am but young, I am my fathers son. Business is in my blood.

That’s why I’ve decided to host my own conference in Lorne, with a syllabus of my choosing.  I’ve chosen Lorne because it has one of the best conference centres in the state and also because I enjoy walking along the many beaches. 

It will be aimed at boys my age who may not have had the privileged upbringing of myself, where they will learn (from me) the basics of economics. Even though my conference with be aimed at youth, I will not hesitate to…how shall I say…drop the knowledge bombs.

For example it would appear that purchasing large amounts of property is actually not entirely a wise business decision without potential buyers, since you have to spend a lot of money on cleaning.

Also, while the hostile takeover of an entire chain of luxury hotels might SEEM prudent, if you fire all the staff and don’t hire any more, it’s actually not a good business decision.

I think this conference is really going to take off, as they say. Now I need to look into venue hire, and I’ll more or less be done. I have my heart set on Lorne. Father has some property in the area that I haven’t visited since I was a child. 

-Archibald Kane III

A Long-Overdue Lighting Update

commercial LEDI keep saying that we need a revamp of the décor in the entrance hall. It’s the first thing people see when they enter the house, and yet I until now I haven’t been able to bring myself to make any significant changes. I suppose I have a great deal of respect for all the generations of Clanceys who’ve come before, thus hindering me from updating the era. But then…it’s no longer 1770. There comes a time when you have to make a change.

The chandelier needs to go, certainly, and it needs replacing with a chandelier more fitting of today’s world. Now that I think about it, it’s rather embarrassing how many business contacts have walked through that door and been greeted by a chandelier 200 years out of its time. Not that all the old needs to be tossed out, but I make my living at the cutting edge of business, the forefront of industry. That includes all types of designer lighting in Melbourne, so what does it say when dangling from the ceiling is a relic of a bygone era?

I shall look into it. Obviously, if we’re swapping out the designer lighting, the rest of the room needs updating as well. I can’t believe I’ve been so stubborn and foolish as to keep the oaken balustrades for this long; even a dolt would recognise that marble is the flavour of our current time. Marble walls, marble floors, marble ceilings, marble busts of deceased family members…Jerome Taylor-Pennyspent even has marble umbrella holders and hat-stands in his entrance hall. Too much of a good thing, I say, but perhaps I’ll discuss it with my experts.

I must make time, for what is a Clancey if he does not look after his own mansion? The recent rise of the commercial LED lighting industry in Melbourne is a sign of change, both in business and personal life. I must look into their collection of chandeliers, pronto.

-Percival Clancey IVV

Bureaucracy Over Air Conditioning in Melbourne

air conditioning serviceBureaucrats have not been keeping their cool over summer, with government offices reporting an average of three forms needing to be filled in before cooling may be switched on.

Due to poor productivity caused by lack of  air conditioning, Melbourne CBD offices alone is projected to have lost two million dollars collectively.

The office winning the dubious title of most forms to fill out requires some twelve forms before the air conditioner may be switched on.

An anonymous employee of the comments that he is not surprised that so many forms are involved.

“They just let us sweat, no matter if it is forty degrees plus they still will not switch on the air con because they want us to be more environmentally friendly,” he said.

“Never mind the trees that got cut down for their precious forms. One of my former colleagues once couldn’t take it anymore and switched on the power to their air conditioner- she didn’t even make it to the ‘on’ button before she was fired.”

Of nearly four hundred offices surveyed across the state, less than twenty do not require any forms to be filled out before air conditioning is engaged.

The survey was conducted by the Melbourne Centre for Office Research (CCOR). The CCOR itself requires eight forms to be filled before air conditioning may be approved.

Despite rarely using an air conditioning service, Melbourne offices spend an average of two thousand dollars per year on air conditioning maintenance and running costs. This number is likely inflated by one office spending upwards of five hundred thousand dollars per year on air conditioning costs.

“We expect that the air conditioning expenditure of the business in question is actually allocated to other costs although this has not been confirmed,” said CCOR chief investigator Dr Albert Kent.

“When this business is excluded from the survey, the average air conditioning expenditure is less than one thousand dollars.”

Dr Kent says that a follow-up survey on office procedures for heating will be conducted in Winter.

The Talk of the Aluminium Folk

gas bottle holdersThere are workmen at the house today. Mummy said I shouldn’t talk to them, but I’m sitting here at the window watching and I can’t fathom why. They see like really people, just like us. Mummy also said they speak a strange commoner language, but apart from stronger accents, a heavier use of slang and some ghastly profanity, that is also not true. Perhaps as you grow to be an adult, you forget how to speak to people who are different to you? That’s the impression I am getting.

I am currently supposed to be working on my very first socialist manifesto, but I’m finding that I enjoy listening to the conversation outside the window far more. It just makes for such interesting listening, like I’ve discovered a portal to another world and everything I heard is something brand new and exciting. Apparently Justin was late that morning and forget the key to his toolbox, and he was being lightly berated by his colleagues for his lack of skill operating the toolbox central locking. Father has talked about central locking before, but only when mentioning it to Yusef, our chauffeur. I suppose tools must be expensive, if they must be locked up inside such a secure box.

The conversation then turned to models of ‘utes’. I assume this is some kind of automobile, perhaps those strange cars these people drive with the space around the back for placing all kinds of items. I’ve seen pictures of these vehicles with dogs riding in the rear compartment, and I thus assumed that was what they were for. None of these people have brought a dog with them, though their ‘utes’ are adorned with many mysterious boxes. The one called Greg mentioned gas bottle holders and under tray drawers. This means nothing much to me, so I can only neglect my manifesto and continue to listen so that I can decipher the mystery of the boxes. I mean…they are probably full of tools. That seems logical. But this is a strange new world I am glimpsing. Anything could happen.

-Madeira

No Trouble Sorting Out Title Transfers

property conveyancerThere is a silver lining to the sad passing of my husband  Pat’s grandfather. It turned out that he owned a large parcel of land in Melbourne, which came as a surprise to all of us. Even better, he left it to Pat, seeing as he was the only one of his grandchildren to settle in Melbourne. Everybody else is scattered across the country, although I am not sure that will stop them from wanting a piece of the pie. We have already sought the best conveyancing company Melbourne has to offer, in order to ensure that the property passes into our rightful ownership.

It does look a little suspicious that the last will was changed just a few days before the death. Pat was the only grandchild to visit his grandfather in his dying days, and he deserves to be compensated accordingly. He did take the week off work, after all. I do hope that his cousins see eye-to-eye on the matter, rather than unfairly jumping to conclusions. Pat’s family can be most disagreeable at the best of times. This is why we have decided to sort out the legalities of the title transfer so quickly. It is difficult to navigate property law when you have little experience in such matters, despite my flair for researching while my daughter Arya naps.

I never knew much about property conveyancing before, but being the meticulous planner I am, I now am aware of what conveyancers do and how they can help us with the new property we one. At the moment we are in the process of transferring the title to Pat, but depending on what we decide to do with the land, we may require their services for subdividing or to transfer the title again if we sell. My name is not on the title yet, but as Pat’s wife, it may as well be. We decided that it would be better to wait to sort that out until long after after the dust has settled from the funeral.

It Pays to Be Prepared

executor of willWhen one reaches a certain level of affluence, one must keep up to date with certain affairs. I find my monthly draft of a will a tiresome chore, though a necessary one. My assets grow steadily, and thus I must be ready if I make an untimely exit from this mortal coil, and keep my will up to date.

Why just yesterday we added a fourth Jeep to the off-road garage. We used #3 last time we went on safari in the Serengeti, and I wasn’t entirely happy with the gear transition. What would happen if I passed from this life and only three jeeps were mentioned in the will? My local Melbourne executor of will might tear out his hair due to my grievous oversight, and you know how family can be. One small error and they descend like a Biblical plague. Not that I doubt Cecelia’s ability to deal with them like a true Clancey, but I’d rather not have to put her through all the bother. Besides, it would be negligent of me to not update my will periodically. It’s expected.

I do wonder what we’re going to do with Jeep #3. I’ve considered keeping it until Archibald is old enough to learn to drive, at which point it will prove to be an adequate challenge compared to Jeeps with adequate gearsticks. However, can I justify it gathering dust for the years to come? Despite our vast grounds, several houses and near-infinite potential to purchase more land, I was taught to be extremely discerning with my possessions. It’s why I sought out the best estate planning Melbourne had to offer, so I could be assured that my last will as testament is as clear as possible. Wouldn’t want to fringe family vultures descending upon any loopholes. Cecelia would crush them like gnats, but I do so dislike seeing that side of her.

-Percival Clancey IV

Healthy Beauty Image

anti wrinkle injections MelbourneThere is a stigma attached to cosmetic treatments and it is largely untrue and unfair. I have struggled with my body image for a long time. I am not what you would call a classic beauty, and it causes me fairly regular discomfort and anxiety. I have been to numerous doctors in Melbourne about unhappy feelings and they all have one conclusion. My best bet would be to finally do something about it and get anti wrinkle injections. Melbourne is no stranger to cosmetic treatments so I have my pick of places.

I’ve had a few consultations and chosen the beauty clinic I want to go with. They are professional, experienced and extremely knowledgeable. I’ve seen lots of pictures of their work and even met up with some of the previous patients, they really do excellent work!

I have never had any kind of beauty treatment like this before so I am pretty nervous. Lots of people keep telling me I am crazy to voluntarily get something potentially painful done but I simply tell them if they experienced the feelings I have, they would also search for a solution.

I know two girls I went to college with who have had regular dermal fillers in Melbourne so I contacted them to find out more about how it impacted their lives.

They both commented how it opened up so many new options for them that they never thought would be possible. They also said they can’t put into words how great life is, and they have both found it a major confidence booster. I just cannot imagine a day where I don’t go to bed avoiding the mirrors in my house. I long to feel beautiful and confident. In general my family and friends have been extremely supportive of my decision and are looking forward to not having to listen to me complain all day long about how I look.

How did I not know about sewer replacement?

sewer replacement MelbourneIt turns out that the blocked drain that ruined my bath was actually symptomatic of a far larger problem. We need to get an entire sewer replacement, Melbourne is actually an older city than I thought and it turns out that our pipes are practically ancient. The plumber had thought that he was coming to do a quick fix of our blocked pipes, but decided to do a full camera plumbing inspection when he could not identify the problem. As it turns out, our entire drainage system is slowly crumbling. This seemed odd to me since our house does not look particularly old, but apparently when it was built, they retained the drainage system of the previous property.

Does it make me a bad parent that I did not realise the state of our clogged pipes until they reached breaking point? I do all the home maintenance. I used to do a lot more myself, but lately I have been realising the virtues of outsourcing to others who know what they are doing. Perhaps if I had not lost my hands-on approach, I would have noticed the blocked plumbing earlier.

Let’s focus on the positives. I need to forgive myself, but remember and do better next time. I am so glad that I did not listen to Pat’s idea to try to unblock the drain myself. Surely he does not expect me to be able to identify and fix our collapsed sewerage system. No, we definitely need to engage the services of some expert drainage contractors in Melbourne. Sewerage systems are not something that I am willing to fix. I have been saying affirmations in order to encourage the work to be completed quickly. Usually, affirmations take awhile to work, but this time they were effective immediately. I have noticed that when I stand outside and chant, the plumbers seem to work a lot faster. I did ask if they wanted to partake in my affirmations, but they all politely declined the offer.

Not the Boat Gathering I Expected

outboard motor serviceRevelry is not usually my…‘scene’, as it were. If I host a party, it’s usually to do with business partners or simply celebrating an achievement (of business), and thus attending a party for the sake of it being a party is unfamiliar to me. There comes a time, however, when one must simply let one’s hair down, so to speak. Or so I thought. My Father and the owner of the Extreme Expeditions company were good friends in their youth, odd since their business choices didn’t really overlap. I will admit, I spent some time in my childhood on board the Taylor-Thomas yacht, just as they sometimes came aboard mine, and thus when I heard my friend was having a get-together, I thought I’d pay a visit.

I wasn’t fooled for a second. Had Dirk asked, I could have recommended any number of Melbourne outboard motor services, even supplied one of my own. Whatever silly expedition he was on seemed to have done some damage to the family vessel, and so the power was out. Worse, it was not the cocktail affair that I was expecting, which leads me to wonder what I was expecting. I was clearly overdressed, especially compared to some of the scandalous young women with their dresses lingering up to inch above the knee. There were no champagne waiters, the music was obscenely modern and the whole place was lit by candles, as if it were taking place in the jungle.

The outboard motor issue became apparent when I realised we’d been in the harbour for two hours, though at that point I’d been lingering near the stern, alone with the most dignified drink I could find (a lemon and lime bitters, from a bottle). The boat was scuppered, though fortunately I was able to leave early while the revelry increased. I considered calling Dirk in the morning and recommending the finest outboard motor repairs Melbourne had to offer…though if I remember, he’s the type to sleep until noon anyway. We are clearly very different as businessmen. Also, as people.

-Percival Clancey III